I am curious about myself. Though I know more about myself than anyone else, I often feel that I do not recognize the girl looking at me in the mirror. When I become a stranger to myself, I feel upset and alone; I have lost myself and no longer remember what makes me happy. Thinking about these days, I feel triumph because I surpassed them, but I get scared when I realize that these feelings come back. However, with my innate curiosity, I have learned so much about myself on these days and my strength to surpass them.
Like everyone else, there are days where I feel horrible about myself. I hate the way I look, I criticize my intelligence, and I have no motivation to help myself – I just want to cry or be completely alone. On these days, I feel lost. I no longer remember my happy and motivated self.
One of the biggest challenges is that I forget what I love. It seems that once my fire burns out, I am lost in the dark with nothing that I love guiding me. I know I love my family and boyfriend, but it feels like they don’t exist these days. Or, I forget that I love learning and reading romantic comedies, so I push them away. All that calls for me on these days is restless sleep, several tears, and headaches.
Since I forget about what I love, I have blockaded myself from any support that could help me get my wheels back running. I lose touch with myself and my responsibilities. I know what I need to get done, but I cannot seem to do it. Not doing the work stresses me out, which in turn makes me feel worse. It’s a vicious cycle that feels never-ending.
Though these days are challenging, I have capitalized on my innate desire to learn more about myself because the more I know about myself, the easier it is to surpass the challenging days. One thing I learned is that I like to have a purpose. For example, I enjoy taking classes because I have the purpose of attending classes fully engaged and learning the material. Though it is stressful, I know what I am doing is crucial to my growth. I learned this about myself during winter break of my first year at the University of Michigan because many days I felt lost, for I had no work to do, and thus no purpose.
I also found out that writing my emotions helps. For instance, when I write about my anger or stress and then burn it or throw it away, I feel that I have thrown out a part of myself that I didn’t want to keep. I also realized that writing pushes me to write things that I did not even think about because when I write, it feels like a story, which I believe cannot end until I have written all my feelings down. Finally, writing my emotions down and physically burning or throwing them away, legitimize my feelings and how I should treat them – I put my thoughts in a physical form.
However, what is most important is that the more I learn about myself and my feelings, the more I understand what others may go through. Thus, I can talk to my friends and provide them suggestions on how to feel better.
Overall, as I grow, I know I will learn more about myself, but I still wonder if I will ever understand myself fully. Life continually changes, and as life changes, so do we.
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